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aridmoorsмне нечего терять
Dear *** sensei,
yes, I am into movies. A lot.
Unfortunately,
it (movies) seems to be a profession just like any other profession. I have recently discovered that there is a genre called "short movies" - I had NOOOO IDEA how many movies were produced in small studios, by amateurs, all the time, a literal FLOOD of them. I had no idea about film festivals, awards (I felt it was just like science, first you get 1-2 small papers out, a presentation award), but most of all, that it was EXACTLY like science in terms of promotion and going up in ranks.
Someone succeeds not because of talent, but because of chance and connections. I have been watching short movies for about a week now, non-stop, 12 hours a day, and there is no end in sight. There are thousands and thousands of them. Just like scientific papers. And most of them go unnoticed, just like scientific papers.
All of them are like tombstones to someone's talent... well, okay, not all of them, about 75% are genuinely average; but there are TRUE GEMS, I mean, actors playing like there is no tomorrow, designers and crew working just as hard as the Lord Of The Rings crew worked, and making gems that just stick with you, in your heart, deep.
Yet they never see the light of day. Actors never get into Hollywood. Never get selected. It just taught me the truth about this world, "it doesn't matter how good you are"...... I wasn't that cynical before but now I am, after my "career" (can't even write it without quotation marks, in Russian quotation marks mean sarcasm); these movies never made it anywhere, even though they were just as good, and the actors - awesome; but nobody got anywhere, because life is not fair.
It kinda seems much WORSE than nature. In nature, you are selected for if you are the best fit. E.g., if you are a tiger, the stronger you are, the better chance of living. Yet in the human world, this is distorted. It doesn't matter how good you are at what you're doing. Your talent doesn't matter. For a woman, what matters is, about 40% how well can she charm a producer and sleep with him; and for a man, I guess, sheer luck. Fuck humans, man.
It is not fair.
Five years ago, when I was beginning my PhD studies, an acquaintance of mine (Ivan Ivanov, now a Professor at *** and *** University) basically offered me a postdoc position in a Swedish lab. The lab is famous and its boss (also ****) basically manufactures Nature and Science papers like toilet paper. I refused. Yes, it was THE lab that published my mice PhD idea before me; I asked Ivan "but how can you secure me such a high position?!" and he said "because I will ask him personally for you". They are friends, it turns out, and he could just ASK HIM to take me in as a postdoc, and I'd be THE ELITE, for sure, like, guaranteed.
It smelled like shit, this "transaction". Like I was some kind of material, and they could trade me. And Ivan would have done me a favor I would have to repay, and the Swedish lab's professor would see me as... as a cog, "a favor", I don't know, and I would be indebted to him too. I refused. Not out of pride, but just because it seemed so unfair that all his postdocs were "hand-selected", like, you know, like women in trafficking when they encounter a virgin. Disgusting. I can't explain why I feel it is disgusting, I just feel it is disgusting.
It didn't matter how good I was. Ivan never read any of my articles (I didn't have any at the time, he knew me only through my blog), yet Ivan offered me a position in a lab that would DEFINITELY get me published in Nature - it is ridiculous, it is so fucking unfair.
Today it is too late to ask Ivan for that postdoc position. He's seen my blog posts with blood and stuff, I am now an "untouchable" for him. Goddamit, he is a fucking hypocrite. All of it is a huge joke, there is NOTHING about science there, nothing.
Nothing about talent, about "choosing the best". It never was.
Believe it or not, I actually met Ivan in person, once, in Osaka. He took me to a restaurant - nobody was there, it was late - my wrists were wrapped in bandages, and he said:
- And quit that shit, will ya?
and then
- You're pretty, I'd fuck you if I had the chance.
He has a family.
I don't know. It was all very, very disgusting and very much like movie production.
NOTHING, NOTHING was ever about science. Nothing was ever about "let the truth prevail" or "let the strongest one win"; it was NEVER about that.
You are telling me to "go back to science", there IS no science to go back to. It has all been a lie. How do you know the data you're looking at has not been"fabricated" in some lab? You don't. It is all too easy to fabricate results without a SINGLE TRACE. If you asked me to do it, I'd know how to do it, it is extremely easy. And nobody would ever know SHIT about it. You ask a professional to cover up shit, it's too easy.
Western blot? Just use a different antibody of the same size; nobody will know SHIT.
Fluorescence? Same. Use a different antibody but tell everyone you used "this antibody", nobody will EVER know. PCR? Same. Add 1 more microliter of the DNA and present the results like they would appear on the machine - NO FUCKING BODY will know what actually happened. It is all too easy. Way too easy.
I didn't want to sign up for that.
I didn't want to sell myself.
I guess I end up where all of these "stupid honest people" end up. In the gutters.
There is no science to "go back to". There never was.
Please watch this short movie, it is youtube and only 10 minutes long. It never got any awards (even though it should have), please watch it, it's not a full movie, it's just 10 minutes, you just need headphones.
Here is the link.
https://youtu.be/EyEI09sRqek
I do think I have to kill myself. I just haven't figured out when or where. I was born in the wrong time. I do not belong here.
Dear *** sensei,
yes, I am into movies. A lot.
Unfortunately,
it (movies) seems to be a profession just like any other profession. I have recently discovered that there is a genre called "short movies" - I had NOOOO IDEA how many movies were produced in small studios, by amateurs, all the time, a literal FLOOD of them. I had no idea about film festivals, awards (I felt it was just like science, first you get 1-2 small papers out, a presentation award), but most of all, that it was EXACTLY like science in terms of promotion and going up in ranks.
Someone succeeds not because of talent, but because of chance and connections. I have been watching short movies for about a week now, non-stop, 12 hours a day, and there is no end in sight. There are thousands and thousands of them. Just like scientific papers. And most of them go unnoticed, just like scientific papers.
All of them are like tombstones to someone's talent... well, okay, not all of them, about 75% are genuinely average; but there are TRUE GEMS, I mean, actors playing like there is no tomorrow, designers and crew working just as hard as the Lord Of The Rings crew worked, and making gems that just stick with you, in your heart, deep.
Yet they never see the light of day. Actors never get into Hollywood. Never get selected. It just taught me the truth about this world, "it doesn't matter how good you are"...... I wasn't that cynical before but now I am, after my "career" (can't even write it without quotation marks, in Russian quotation marks mean sarcasm); these movies never made it anywhere, even though they were just as good, and the actors - awesome; but nobody got anywhere, because life is not fair.
It kinda seems much WORSE than nature. In nature, you are selected for if you are the best fit. E.g., if you are a tiger, the stronger you are, the better chance of living. Yet in the human world, this is distorted. It doesn't matter how good you are at what you're doing. Your talent doesn't matter. For a woman, what matters is, about 40% how well can she charm a producer and sleep with him; and for a man, I guess, sheer luck. Fuck humans, man.
It is not fair.
Five years ago, when I was beginning my PhD studies, an acquaintance of mine (Ivan Ivanov, now a Professor at *** and *** University) basically offered me a postdoc position in a Swedish lab. The lab is famous and its boss (also ****) basically manufactures Nature and Science papers like toilet paper. I refused. Yes, it was THE lab that published my mice PhD idea before me; I asked Ivan "but how can you secure me such a high position?!" and he said "because I will ask him personally for you". They are friends, it turns out, and he could just ASK HIM to take me in as a postdoc, and I'd be THE ELITE, for sure, like, guaranteed.
It smelled like shit, this "transaction". Like I was some kind of material, and they could trade me. And Ivan would have done me a favor I would have to repay, and the Swedish lab's professor would see me as... as a cog, "a favor", I don't know, and I would be indebted to him too. I refused. Not out of pride, but just because it seemed so unfair that all his postdocs were "hand-selected", like, you know, like women in trafficking when they encounter a virgin. Disgusting. I can't explain why I feel it is disgusting, I just feel it is disgusting.
It didn't matter how good I was. Ivan never read any of my articles (I didn't have any at the time, he knew me only through my blog), yet Ivan offered me a position in a lab that would DEFINITELY get me published in Nature - it is ridiculous, it is so fucking unfair.
Today it is too late to ask Ivan for that postdoc position. He's seen my blog posts with blood and stuff, I am now an "untouchable" for him. Goddamit, he is a fucking hypocrite. All of it is a huge joke, there is NOTHING about science there, nothing.
Nothing about talent, about "choosing the best". It never was.
Believe it or not, I actually met Ivan in person, once, in Osaka. He took me to a restaurant - nobody was there, it was late - my wrists were wrapped in bandages, and he said:
- And quit that shit, will ya?
and then
- You're pretty, I'd fuck you if I had the chance.
He has a family.
I don't know. It was all very, very disgusting and very much like movie production.
NOTHING, NOTHING was ever about science. Nothing was ever about "let the truth prevail" or "let the strongest one win"; it was NEVER about that.
You are telling me to "go back to science", there IS no science to go back to. It has all been a lie. How do you know the data you're looking at has not been"fabricated" in some lab? You don't. It is all too easy to fabricate results without a SINGLE TRACE. If you asked me to do it, I'd know how to do it, it is extremely easy. And nobody would ever know SHIT about it. You ask a professional to cover up shit, it's too easy.
Western blot? Just use a different antibody of the same size; nobody will know SHIT.
Fluorescence? Same. Use a different antibody but tell everyone you used "this antibody", nobody will EVER know. PCR? Same. Add 1 more microliter of the DNA and present the results like they would appear on the machine - NO FUCKING BODY will know what actually happened. It is all too easy. Way too easy.
I didn't want to sign up for that.
I didn't want to sell myself.
I guess I end up where all of these "stupid honest people" end up. In the gutters.
There is no science to "go back to". There never was.
Please watch this short movie, it is youtube and only 10 minutes long. It never got any awards (even though it should have), please watch it, it's not a full movie, it's just 10 minutes, you just need headphones.
Here is the link.
https://youtu.be/EyEI09sRqek
I do think I have to kill myself. I just haven't figured out when or where. I was born in the wrong time. I do not belong here.
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no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:20 pm (UTC)Все действительно плохо, только не так как вы имели в виду, а гораздо хуже.
Жалко что так мало народу у нас говорит по-английски.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:25 pm (UTC)Учите английский. Типа.
Нет, я вот вообще не понимаю людей которые не учат английский, чем вы руководствуетесь? Жизненной необходимостью? Почему не учите?
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:38 pm (UTC)Либо гните свою линию на своих принципах (вроде же получается? Грант вон выиграли), либо бросайте науку и уходите туда, где сможете просто честно и хорошо делать своё дело, пускай даже скромное и незаметное.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:40 pm (UTC)https://youtu.be/--0gWFJcqwU
Я когда-то про мужа и себя так думала. Мужа больше нет. Песня осталась.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:43 pm (UTC)Не знаю конкретно на что вы насмотрелись. По вашему говору и выражениям подозреваю, что насмотрелись далеко не на всё, и далеко не на самое худшее.
Про медицину и таблетки советую прижать язык. Или унести в личку.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:44 pm (UTC)Как человек, который около десяти лет играл в маленьком театре, могу сказать, что в театральной среде тоже самое. Мы, актёры, тоже много и часто возмущались по этому поводу, но режиссёр нас научила, что справедливости нет, есть милосердие. И когда начинаешь думать, что несмотря ни на что есть часть работы твоя, хоть и маленькая, но сделанная только тобой, и она тоже важна. То так легче.
А этот ваш Ivanov просто мерзкий мужичонка. Ну попался вам такой, бывают такие, кому-то чаще попадаются, кому-то реже, но не стоит из-за подобного вот так себя ощущать. Хотя, что я говорю, сама тоже могу также загоняться и переживать, но правильнее всё-таки этого не делать...
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 03:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 04:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 04:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 04:27 pm (UTC)Я последнее время подсела на азиатский дорамапром, но там, конечно, своя специфика. Из последнего мне очень понравились "Короткие истории Синъити Хоси". Там тоже по 10-15 минут серия и законченный сюжет. Вы будете смеяться, но это японский сериал.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 04:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 05:06 pm (UTC)Наверное, это лето последнее.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 05:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 05:25 pm (UTC)Может быть.
Да.
У нас схожий вектор.
Есть еще wolf's rain
https://youtu.be/xoQuu7GPxAI
У меня есть весь сериал на диске.
Века жду чтобы кто-то со мной вместе посмотрел.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 05:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 05:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-02 05:44 pm (UTC)